How often do we hear the phrase: Is your glass half-empty or half-full? What does that even MEAN? (I do expect honesty here.)
I imagine the story behind this phrase unfolded as follows:
Once upon a time, long, long ago, one late night at the bar, a man (sorry boys) with drink in hand, suddenly discovered he was in need of a refill, “Hey barkeep!” he shouted across the dimly-lit room. At that exact moment he froze and thought…wait!…shut the front door!…I may actually have too much in my glass ALREADY [enter shock, silence, sobriety][exit man]. (Before we get too far, yes, he did pay his tab for all you upright-standing citizens who were concerned he had dined-and-dashed.)
It was then at that moment on our blustery winter’s eve (because why not) another rhetorical phrase was birthed into the world of words. Yes, right there on the leather barstool. (Sorry for the graphic figurative language…but, not quite sure that is even a thing…because I mean after all…it’s figurative.)
Problem: So how do we combat this undeservingly profound, ridiculous, and menacing question?
Solution – I’ve Got Your Back:
Let’s assume it’s inevitable that people for centuries to come will nonchalantly ask you out to dinner, “So are you a glass half-empty kind of person or a glass half-full kind of person?” You, the responder, may then travel into the depths of your soul analyzing and discovering all kinds of powerful psychological connotations, deep inner criticisms, or even worse…self-doubt and/or apology.
Ewwwww! NO! Not apology!
Therefore, next time you’re out for drinks and your dinner date asks, “half-full/half-empty?” you can now respond with the utmost dignity by responding with one of the three following ways:
- Non-Verbal Action: Pick up your current glass via thumb and index finger (be sure to grab the water glass – NOT the wine glass), slowly rise from the table and deposit the glass into the closest garbage receptacle. Don’t forget head-toss and maybe even throw in an evil-eye over your shoulder. (Women, you know what I’m talking about.)
Outcome: Dinner will be over because after all you did just throw away restaurant property. However, toss back the last of your Chardonnay and make your way to the nearest pizzeria.
- Verbal Response: Commit to memory: “Monsieur/Madame, I will not humor you by answering that question because I for one only drink from the pouch of the Capri-Sun.”
Outcome: Dinner continues, but your dinner date will now question your choice of beverage and wonder whether or not you lied when you said you did not have children.
- Tableau Vivant Response 90/90/90: Slowly stand up and move right arm into an upright 90-degree angle bending at elbow. Position left arm at a downward 90-degree angle also bending at elbow. Hold the pose for at least 90 seconds. This will baffle your dinner date into never again asking you stupid questions.
Outcome: You will have earned a tremendous amount of respect from the theatre world. Accept your round of applause, bow, and then continue dinner while commenting on how delicious the chicken tastes.
Voila! Always happy to assist my faithful readers. It is for you only I slice these issues down into their infinite components.